By Em Calvert
Checked Out
It’s the miserable, sweltering dog days of summer: squinting against the sun’s glare, shirt sticking wetly to your back, sweat stinging your eyes, all outdoor surfaces searingly hot, and a general feeling that you were mistaken for a rotisserie chicken somewhere along the way.
All that heat makes for cranky humans. Anxiety, anger, aggression, and general uncharitableness to our fellow humans all spike in high temperatures. Perhaps that’s due to increased physical stress on the body, disrupted sleep, or just good ol’ misery loves company feelings. In that spirit of discontent, we librarians—generally known for our kind dispositions and quality recommendations—will offer our irritable, fist-shaking list of, “We read these books and would like that time back now.”
And don’t worry: if your favorites made this list, that’s what makes a public library great. There’s a book for every reader. The book you love so much you could break out in spontaneous song is someone else’s most despised, while the one that makes you grind your teeth because it takes up an inch of shelf space is another’s favorite inspiration.
Without further ado, here’s what you should read to be disappointed, dismayed, disturbed, and disapproving (according to the personal opinions of overheated and cranky librarians):
- “Jaws,” by Peter Benchley. We’re traumatized not by the shark but by the humans.
- “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” by Dale Carnegie. Aw. Don’t you love a wholesome classic about manipulating people for profit?
- “Great Expectations,” by Charles Dickens. We had such great expectations, but it’s just some dude having a boring life.
- “The Pout-Pout Fish” series, by Deborah Diesen. The first book is okay. The remainder have desperate sequel syndrome.
- “The Correspondent,” by Virginia Evans. Imagine that you send a letter via sloth to another continent, and you’ll understand the plot speed in this book.
- “Paper Towns,” by John Green. It’s actually a science fiction novel—the characters are unbelievable as humans and thus clearly of another species.
- “Insomnia,” by Stephen King. Highly accurate studies amongst library staff have determined that this particular title is 85% more effective than melatonin if you’re trying to get right to sleep.
- “Dune,” by Frank Herbert. Any characters with personality who’d like to appear in this novel? Anyone? No? Just watch the movie, which is, *gasp,* better than the book.
- “Theo of Golden,” by Allen Levi. In the equivalent of a bad mustache disguise, this book is a sermon disguised as a secular novel.
- “Life of Pi,” by Yann Martel. There was far too much tiger, and not enough Pi, pi, or pie.
- “Moby-Dick,” by Herman Melville. Whale watching is wonderful. Pages of detailed whale anatomical descriptions are, well, less wonderful.
- “Gone with the Wind,” by Margaret Mitchell. “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a Dewey Decimal number.”
- “Love You Forever,” by Robert Munsch. When your mother breaks into your house via a ladder in the window on a dark night, it’s more like a creepy obsession than love.
- “Footfall,” by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. Pink elephant aliens set a new baseline for how bad a book could be in our science fiction book club. Need we say more?
- “Little Fires Everywhere,” by Celeste Ng. Every character is like the angstiest teen in your life, except with horrific secrets.
- “The Rainbow Fish,” by Marcus Pfister. The message is sharing and economic justice, but kids just take away that you should diminish what’s unique about yourself to fit in and be happy — just what every child needs to hear, right?
- “Hidden Pictures,” by Jason Rekulak. When there’s so much hype, there can be so much letdown.
- “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,” by J.K. Rowling. There are so many other fantasy series and so many other fantasy authors, you know.
- “The Brilliant Abyss,” by Helen Scales. If only an editor had said, “Let’s not repeat everything, and this book will be half the length.”
- “Oh, the Places You’ll Go,” by Dr. Seuss. Nothing says you’re ready to go out on your own after graduation than a second-grade picture book.
- “Spring Girls,” by Anna Todd. But what happened to the family in Texas? And all the other dangling plot points …
- “Remarkably Bright Creatures,” by Shelby Van Pelt. Talking animals? “Charlotte’s Web” did it better.
Whew. That was a lot of grouchiness for your friendly local librarians. With that off our chests, we’re ready again to greet you with a smile. Though if there are fewer of us than usual, we do seem to be very fixated on books about those cool, refreshing ocean waves. Maybe it’s not too late to squeeze in a water-side vacation with some beach reads* that aren’t overrated!
*Disclaimer: Don’t take your library books to the beach, into mortal peril. Personal books only, please.
Em Calvert is the assistant director at Hutchinson Public Library. You can contact her at em.c@hutchpl.org.