By Brendan Ulmer
Ulmer Uninterrupted
John Mulaney once had a joke where he said, “I’m not old. I’m 35, that is not old, but I am in a new phase, right before old, called ‘gross.’”
I just turned 23 a couple of weeks ago, but I’m already starting to get a taste of “gross.”
The day was Jan. 30. I was at the library, a few minutes away from giving my Talk20 presentation in front of a couple hundred people. The first five presenters had already gone, I was to be the eighth. We were in an intermission, and I was using the time to chat with my family, who had driven in from Olathe.
I was introducing them to my friend, Food Bank of Reno County Capital Campaign Director Donna Davis (name drop), when my nose started bleeding.
Until this year, I don’t think I’d had a nosebleed since second grade. I had gone through middle school, nary a drop of blood.
I wrestled most of the way through high school until I had a medical issue. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a wrestling tournament, but the medical staff always has a huge Tupperware full of tampons to deal with the many nosebleeds they will see that day. In my years of wrestling, not a single tampon had to be used on me.
For some reason, reasons beyond my will or understanding, my nose has started bleeding regularly and profusely the day we were all snowed-in a few weeks ago. It has been such an issue that, as I write this, my nose is bleeding. I woke up at 2 a.m. this morning because I was bleeding, and woke up to find I’d left stains on the kitchen hardwood.
So there I was, about 15 minutes away from giving the presentation I’d been nervous for weeks for, with blood coming out of my face. Weirdly, it made me less nervous. It gave me something else to worry about, something that was manageable.
The next day, my family took me out to a fancy dinner to celebrate my birthday. Guess what, my nose started bleeding there, too. My parents thought it prudent to get me the gift of Ayr saline nasal gel (with aloe vera), a very thoughtful gift. The gel has been fighting the good fight, but it’s been losing.
I write this, not to gross anyone out, but as an earnest cry for help. Does anyone know how to make it stop? It is driving me up the wall. Please direct all home remedies to my email: brendan@hutchtribune.com.
Brendan Ulmer is a reporter at The Hutchinson Tribune. He can be reached at brendan@hutchtribune.com.